Hurry up with my damn barbecue!

A friend commented on this picture I posted to Instagram: "What a sophisticated New Yorker." Thanks, man.

In a recent bout of first-world problems, I've been feeling some of the same harassing food envy that urged Kanye West to pen his latest eloquent rhyme. Except that in my case, my hunger pangs can't be blamed on a buttery, flaky pastry taking its sweet time to get on my plate. I blame the long lines at Fette Sau, a barbecue joint in Brooklyn, whose name actually means "fat pig" in German. Promising, right?

As a diner here you get to torture yourself by standing in line for 30-60 minutes, inching past tables covered in mason jars of beer and paper-lined aluminum trays, themselves piled high with pulled pork, brisket, ribs and cups of baked beans, smelling all of these delicious sweet, smoky, meaty smells, until you finally get to the counter. Then you order your meat by the half-pound or pound (or more, hey I'm not judging) as well as your sides, and they grace you with the softest rolls I've ever had. Even if you've now morphed into a ravenous ogre, you can't get carried away with the bread as it is carefully rationed according to the number of people eating. Then you get to walk around the entire restaurant scanning each and every one of the communal picnic tables for an acceptable spot to sit. So far you're having a blast, obviously.

Here's the good news: it's easy to either make yourself a little spot at a table or death stare someone out of reserving half a table for their friends who are standing in line getting food. I think I remember myself saying something along the lines of "food is in my hands, I want to eat it, so I suggest you move aside before my evil hangry twin gets here." Or nearly that. And then, you get to savor every bite as if you had never had to wait at all. You douse your brisket in their house made vinegary hot sauce, build mini pulled pork sandwiches with the rolls you're allotted and brag each time you get a nice piece of meat in your bite of baked beans. I can't recommend Fette Sau enough. Call me a masochist, but I've already been several times and can't wait for the next time I stand in a line for an hour with my mouth watering at alarming levels. At least the beer you get to drink in line provides sustenance and hydration.